Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Pour Out Your Heart: Bitter Sweet


Honor those that share their hearts.  Show Respect and respect is reciprocated.  These are the rules.  Abide there in.

This year has started off with a bang.  The hubs got a raise.  I decided to start my own massage office.  Good things.  Good thoughts.  Amiable aspirations.  Our kids are healthy.  We have our health.  Rainbow and Blue skies are coming our way.

Then the thunder rolls and lightning strikes.  Friendships fade.  Ok, sorry.  Why do I feel like singing a sad country song?  I am about to pour my heart out and cannot pass up a good cliche'.  I need help.  *sigh*

Let's see.  Monday I get a phone call from our gym.  It goes something like this. 

Me:  Hello?

Voice: Is J there?

Me:  No, He's at work.  Can I help you?

Voice:  This is Harry from the _____ Center.  Can you tell him I need to speak with him.  Here's my number.

Me:  Can I tell him what this is about?

Voice:  Um..I'd rather speak with him.

Me:  OK?  He may not be in until later this afternoon.  When will it be a good time to call before you aren't in?

Voice:  I'll be here til 5pm and if he can call me asap, I would appreciate it.

Me:  I will tell him.

click

Now, I have a sneaking suspicion what this call is about but let my mind believe it could be about our bank account but know I am only deceiving my brilliant mind and putting off a dark cloud of oncoming misery.  J gets home and unfolds the unpleasantries that spanned about a five minute conversation with Harry.  Due to my hubs conviction, 5 years ago, this gym has asked him (no, informed him) that he can no longer be a member.

This news hit my already broken heart into a million shards of fragmented glass.  This was the one thing.  No, the one place we felt like we could do family activities together and feel "normal".  Alas, normal has eluded us and our kids once again.  I'm trying hard to understand a society that shuns even the lowest on a totem pole, that encompasses such a wide array of offenses. 

The hubs made a wrong choice almost 5 years ago.  He paid the price 5 years ago.  Why does he continue to be punished now?  Actually, why as his family are we being punished for aligning ourselves with him?  It would be different if he were a predator, unchanged by his consequences or unrepentant.  I am not a door mat that he walks all over.  I'm not so blinded by my love for him, that I don't see his faults and that he was wrong for what he chose to do.

What I don't appreciate is that political gain and fear are a controlling factor not only on our family but thousands of families around the U.S.  We can't speak out because this all encompassing offense is so horrible and to do so would be to some how condone wrong.  I don't think it's right and if our legal system is going to categorize and label it, it should be consistant.  No Blankets.  No Umbrelllas.

Even as I write this it is some what coded and unnamed because I want to protect myself and my children.  The hubs takes all this like a champ and knows he deserves worse but is thankful everyday for the grace that was shown to him by God through me.  I'm in no way patting myself on the back here.  I wanted to leave but God told me no.  Forgive.  Now I can't help but feel like I'm being punished, continually, for staying.  That our children are being punished and limited due to a society wrought with distrust and fear.

The hubs compared it to segregation of whites and blacks.  This is our modern day "black".  We live in shame, fear, humility and distrust on a daily basis.  Not with each other but with the world around us.  Even the church that claims all are welcome.  J can't even be a member of the church we are currently attending.  WE are mearly tolerated and not accepted.

Tell me if you wouldn't struggle.  Or become slightly bitter.  At the world.  At God.  At the hubs.  What would my life be without these things? 

I know most people won't believe what I'm about to say but that's ok.  It's my belief and I respect those of others.  I believe in marriage and that it's very foundation is enveloped in God.  IT's the ultimate expression of who God is and what he desires for 2 people to share.  Unconditional Love.  That being said, Marriage has an enemy.  Satan.  He will do every thing he can to tear it apart.  Even use our own mistakes to seperate us.

It's J hope to one day stand up for the injustice our family faces.  Until then, we wait.  We pray.  We hope.

Go to Things I Can't Say to Pour Your Heart out.  It's ok.  We will honor you and not judge.  It's safe.  Shell said so.  This is your place to say what ever needs to be said.  Thanks.

Today, I am truly feeling like a


4 comments:

Shell said...

I can't imagine how frustrating that would be.

I have a relative who has a label put on him because of something that he did- but if you would talk to him and find out exactly what that was and not just go by his label, you wouldn't be afraid of him...but because people don't ask, they just look at the label, he's judged.

And it's not fair.

Thanks for linking up.

Miss Fit said...

It's not fair and (as stated in my header) I HATE labels! They suck. Thanks for creating a meme that can be a venue for my frustrations and where others repect each others journey.

Tylaine said...

Great Post. I can really relate with some of the things my husband did and I totally agree with your last statement and I guess that's why I'm here. :) Thanks for sharing.
May God Bless you and your family.

Much More Than Mommy said...

Yuck. :-(

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