Thursday, May 20, 2010
My Father passed away last night. Mom found him in his chair and unresponsive. I'm not sure what happened but I think his body was just done. He recently had a liver transplant and was on all kinds of drugs. He was having some issues with his blood pressure and was always in pain.
I'm in shock and my head hurts from crying. This seems so surreal. I'm thankful my brother and I live close and can be here for my mom. I'm thankful I could see him and say good bye. I'm thankful he's no longer in pain. It was super hard to tell our kids. The youngest, who is 5, doesn't really understand. The oldest 2 are heart broken. We will miss him but know he is in a better place. We love you dad and see you in Heaven.
I won't be on here for awhile due to funeral arrangements and family coming in. So, maybe in a week, I will come around to finish my story.
Ah, the memories.
I've been to Maui, Oahu and Kauai. None of them compare to the Big Island. The moment we are picked up by my parents and drive, all my visions of "Paradise" are so not what I am experiencing. Yes, there are the palm trees, warm tropical wind and dark skinned natives. What there is not is, well, Hawaii. The Hawaii that I had experienced was not dry, lava laden, or desert like.
All I can think, when we get to the house my parents rented, was my kids are going to be torn up and get staph infection from all the lava rock laying around! It could happen. Hubs signed up for the Carpenters union and I applied to take the test to get licensed in HI for Massage. Such was our plan. Build. Massage. Make money. Make a new life.
We stayed on the Kona side of the island in a area know as Ocean View. Our Pastor connected us with a older couple that he knew and we went to church with them a few times. Then, the arrangement my dad had with his brother, that lived there changed. The deal was that Dad and his bro were going to build a house and sell it. Well that happened and my uncle moved with his girl friend off island, for family related issues. I'm still not sure if he got any thing from the sale.
New plan. Move to the other side of the island. Where property cost is lower. After a month or two of living in Ocean View, we moved to Keau'u and we stayed with the parents for a while, paid rent, Hubs got a job offer and decided dad was better suited for the job. Dad became project manager and Hubs hired on as a carpenter. Some where in the midst the parents bought a house and we occupied 2 of the 3 rooms. Yup. Cozy.
I was miserable. Me and the dad would clash at times. He has control issues. I had confrontation issues. I cried in bed at night. I hated being dependent yet again on my parents for my future. I've always been pretty independent and having put myself in this situation was killing me. I think my cries included, "I don't even want to be here!!! Why did we think this was a good idea!? and We need to rent a house!"
I did become apart of a home school co-op, after deciding I didn't want my kids to experience any racial prejudice within the public school system there. I made some friends and the kids loved making new friends too. I even taught a music appreciation class for K-3rd graders. Fun. Then we meet one of my friends hubby, who was a mortgage broker. He taught me how to paint. Anyway, Dad and Broker get hubs and I hooked on the idea of buying a house.
Things were going pretty good. Hubs got paid well. I passed the exam, got my license, found a job and we found a wonderful church. We dreamed big. We could find a place to fix up and flip. This was our mission. We didn't walk into this decision blind. We had taken classes on home buying, understood some lingo and deep down knew we shouldn't be buying a home. We even talked to the minister over finance at our new awesome church and he advised that, in his exact words, "You should wait a year and the market will come down. Then it will be a buyers market and you'll have the ball in your court."
Sure. Sounds good. We didn't listen. Yikes. Big mistake. We got into a house at twice its value, with twice the amount of interest, which means twice the amount of a payment. Uh oh. In x amount of years if we didn't refinance by then the payments would continue to increase. Man. We are toast.
Yes, it was a fixer upper and if we could get a construction loan we could finish the first level but the kicker is we didn't want the type of loan we got. The hubs was not aware of either the doctoring of the wages until the day we went to go sign. How you say? Not sure on that but I think he just wanted to make me happy and truly believed we could pull this off. Buying, after all is always a good investment. Right?
BTW, in the interim we joined a small group that met in our neighbor hood and miracle number one happened. God sent my hubs an accountability partner. Not only was he experienced in SA counseling/group therapy but also, believed the hubs to be sent by God to him as a person who could speak truth into his life as well. What an incredible blessing! This eased one of my many fears. That he would become an island and have no accountability. We became fast friends with this couple and shared our burdens with one another. I miss them. They have moved back to the pacific northwest, however and we hope to reconnect with them, soon.
Also, I need to back up. While we lived in AK, my mentor delivered a box full of resources. Books. Books on healing, restoration, deliverance, and hope. We attacked this deal together. Prayed fiercely. Claimed our marriage, our children and our children's children for God's kingdom. I never want to see my offspring ever experience this kind of heart ache, ever. I believe this to be key, on top of the support we already had, to our relationship finding health again. I love her. Dearly. She is a gift and prayer warrior.
Our time on the island, did in fact become a very treasured time. Two years of solace. I did share our story and hubs did as well. We did so carefully and a few honored us with their friendships. It was easy, as it could be, to share when it felt right. We continued counseling in our new church as well. I loved our time at this church. I experienced worship and community on another level. They incorporated the culture in service, dance, music, drama and art. I miss this at times, too.
I hate to do this but there's going to be a part four. Long posts aren't good. It tends to lose the reader(s)?
Hope to "see" you here, Friday. Mahalo.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
The church that we were apart of, at the time, was tremendously helpful in our journey to healing. We both went to counseling for the year, paid for by the church. We received 2 months severance, from the church. I went back to work a month later. Great Job by the way! My women's group brought meals, mom's from playgroup would watch our kids while we went to counseling and later, when I would visit hubs in jail.
We did come to a agreement outside of court and decided not to go to trial. During the weeks that his lawyer met with hubs. Sharing 3rd party with his bro and my ex bro-in-law (EBIL) became my solace. I had to be around him 24/7. It was very nerve racking. He got to work with my EBIL and that saved us financially. He would have bro dates when his bro wasn't working. So grateful.
I remember thinking I have to be in the same room with him. He can't be out of my sight. If he's peeing I need to be close enough to hear him pee. Freaked me out if he took out the garbage. To this day I don't know how I got through 6 months of this. I think I checked out most of the time. The mind was numb.
The day came to hear the sentence and face the young woman's family. Convicted of a misdemeanor, he was to serve 3 months in jail. 30 days knocked of for good behavior, he served 2 months. After wards he would be on a semi-probation. Basically, no contact with 'her' but no probation officer or mandatory check ins. Also, the biggest of all, registering. If we stayed in AK, since it was his first offense, he would have to register 15 years.
I wish he didn't. I know I can't defend him in any way but this just sucks on so many levels. Warning: All sexually related acts are consider sex offenses. So, if you pee and some one sees your junk and reports you. Yup. You'll have to register. If convicted. So, despite that this act was consensual, the law sees hubs as a predator. This is why I hate fear.
I visited him every week, stress helped me lose weight, prayed A LOT and when release time came we decided we needed a new start. Even though he was attending a SA group, we were in counseling and had tons of support, we decided to go to Hawaii. Where my dad wanted to build houses. On the Big Island. It's a lot like Alaska. Mostly uninhabited and remote.
I was against it. Hell-a scared. Did some research. No support groups or SA counselors. We would be walking into the unknown. I had a really good job and he was working. We would have been OK. Despite the ever present sting every time we stepped out into the community. So we willingly traded that for No jobs. No friends. No Support. Did I mention NO support? I
We sold all our stuff and we had some nice stuff. Due to the oil revenue. Dividends paid for our nice furniture. This year they paid for shipping. Our family and the parents shipped trailers over with beds and belongings. Shipped our van. We left AK the night of winters first snow fall. Whew. That was close. I'd never been to the Big Island. Boy was I in for a shock.
I should have listened to my first gut instinct. This said in hind sight but I don't regret going. Funny. I think I'm going to stop there. This could get long. Saving more for Thursday.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Just for Tuesday. Something a little more light. New thingy to find friends and be
They've got the down low on how to participate. Happy Follow Me Back Tuesday Everyone!
This is an old post, from Word press, that I wrote before using Blogger. It is my background story. For those of you who are getting to know me and want to know where I'm coming from.
Here's part One.
I am thinking about writing a brief memoir on the topic of Infidelity and only because I have experienced it myself. Not that I am an expert or have the greatest advice either but more out of therapy. Now the fearful side of me says, "No, stop, don't do it!" It's so personal and close to my heart that I am tempted not to go there but the other side of me says, "What if something you share touches some one?" I won't get into all the nitty gritty details but highlight areas of my past and present journey. I will change names to protect the innocent of course.
As a disclaimer, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all or in this case don't comment at all. It has been almost 4 years (5 years now) since the initial disclosure and I don't need anyone telling me what to do or giving advice. Thanks!
February 14th, 2005. Valentines Day. My husband (of 7 years) and I had just celebrated the holiday over the weekend, so no big plans were in the mix this day. We had enjoyed this time together and treated the day like any other day. I dropped him off at work, dropped the kids of at a friends and went to work. On my break I tried to call him but no answer.
After several tries I went back to work and thought he would return the calls later or I would just see him at home. I had been feeling somewhat off/odd all day but pushed that to the side to focus on my job. At the time we lived next door to my parents and so after picking up the kids, after work, we went home. My dad asked to talk with me and now that I think about it, I have no idea where my children were in all this. I think they were downstairs watching a movie?
My dad and mom, as well as some family friends were there and they sat me down to lay on the news. "_____, has been arrested," my dad tells me. He goes on to tell me the charges and that my husband was now sitting in the city jail for a sexual offense. I sat there very dumbfounded, replaying the last 5 years over in my mind and mentally kicking myself for not "seeing" it before. I actually asked them if they were kidding! Like ha ha, not April fools day!
I was heart broken. In complete shock and then came denial. During the shock phase, I felt better thinking about not staying with him. I was completely justified in leaving this man and wanted him to rot in jail. I no longer would have the burden of dealing with him or feeling like I was the one to blame for all the dysfunction in our relationship. I usually would act first then think later but for some reason chose to sleep on it.
So what little sleep I could get, after crying most of the night, I woke up in a haze the next morning. Some where between reality and dreaming I had landed in a altered reality. I can only describe it like an out of body experience. I had called some close friends over and shared with them the news. I am so thankful that my Friends and family were there to support me at this time. Something that shocked them and myself was my desire to pray, not just for me but for him and pretty much the human race as a whole.
It had become clear to me at that moment, that no one is above making bad decisions and every wrong choice we make is still sin. Its all the same in God's eyes. Sin is Sin, no matter how you dice it. My thought was this. We should all mourn our sin because the effects of sin do the same thing-separate us from God and those around us.
I say there were signs prior, so let me elaborate. College days, I would warn him about girls in youth ministry and to handle with care. The first year of our marriage, there was some sexual dysfunction and I thought this was due to performance jitters but never thought he was still struggling with an addiction to porn. The 3rd year we were married, at a marriage conference he admits to a problem with pornography that he has been dealing with since early adolescence. I was quite naive and this was my response, "Well, talk to someone that can help and take care of that. It hurts me that you would look at such things and makes me feel so inadequate."
During his time as a merchandiser after child 2, he would comment on women hitting on him and giving him their numbers but thought he would throw the numbers away. I would find porn sites on our history on line periodically. His sex drive was hit and miss. He started using work as an excuse to be away from home more. He started caring about his hair and clothing more, which I thought was a sort of pre-mid life crisis.
He played video games in order to escape reality in a out of control way, neglecting me and our children on a regular basis. I thought he had dealt with this so many years prior and had no idea of the struggle going on in his mind. The confusing part is he never once belittled me, he always told me how beautiful I am-even while pregnant and kept up his facade really well.
Two days later I go to visit _____ and the night prior, prayed for God to help me face this man I thought I had known so well. That night I wrestled with God and the only message I received was Forgiveness. God whispered to my shattered and betrayed heart, "Forgive Him". I knew that this wasn't going to be easy and it wasn't going to be a one time thing but something, that even now as I type this, I would have to do over and over again.
The third day comes, Wednesday, and I arrive frightened and foolish to the City Jail. I sign in, check out a locker, put my belongings away and wait with other visitors in the waiting room. I am cold and shiver slightly. My stomach is in knots and I can feel my heart beat in my throat. It feels as if I could stop breathing at any moment and finally, the guards let us go upstairs to our prospective visitation areas. The jail is a bright, slightly grey white and all the visitation areas have hard metal stools and the viewing glass partitions to add to the cold, hardness of it all. I feel like I am walking the line to death row and can't seem to walk fast enough to where I need to be.
After what seems like an eternity I see his face around the corner. He is wearing prison garbs that look like someone washed something red with it on accident but know this is intentional after seeing many others dressed the same way. Later I find out its just another humiliation tactic the jail has for the inmates. I never in my entire life thought I would be on any side of the glass in a jail talking to someone that I loved so dearly. I barely got to the stool and before I could renege, I mouthed the words "I forgive you".
The message had gotten through and we shed a lot of tears. I wasn't sure how I was going to face him or even if he wanted to stay in the marriage. This man had just experienced what forgiveness was really about and could not even embrace me or cry too much for fear of repercussion in jail. It was very hard not to touch him but then again I was glad because even though I had forgiven him, I still wanted to punch him. We could not discuss things too much, due to the nature of his crime and I wanted to reserve story time for when he got out on bail. I could see his sorrow and regret but wanted to wait until he was home to get a real sense of his heart. I wanted to be sure he was sorry and not just because he got caught.
I arranged for a private attorney to handle his case because a trial had been set and made a bail hearing for Friday. I came up with bail and he is only released on the contingency of having third party at all times. Thankfully, his brother and I were allowed this "honor" and he was released on a 1500.00 bail bond. I pick him up the next morning, Saturday, and feel so angry. I didn't speak to him, hardly and after being home awhile I gave him the opportunity to come clean. I told him to lay it all out and that I would not interrupt or judge him.
I wish I could have given him this same safety prior but know it may not have changed any future decisions. So he starts from the beginning and confesses to other affairs. I can hardly stand it but keep my word and just listen. This was one of those moments I am grateful for because it could have turned out so much different and healing would have been that much more delayed. He finishes and we go to bed together. I didn't think it necessary to kick him out or make him sleep on the couch. I wanted to extend grace and mercy to this man because I had received these very things in my own life. It was not forgive and forget but a step toward restoration of our marriage.
The whole week I remember feeling so jilted. Why did this happen? Why didn't God stop him? I don't want to go through this! Is this some kind of cruel cosmic joke? Some generational sin prank? My thought was, my mom went through this pain and I remember being thankful that I didn't have to but now I get to walk in her shoes, feel her pain and experience this world shaking reality. This was a group of women I did not want to be apart of and thought I had done everything to avoid it. I still struggle with being int his camp. To this day I go back and forth. Resenting going to support groups or even sharing "my story" with others but know its necessary to bring this to the light and that there has been so much growth and healing because of the ongoing efforts. Individually and as a couple.
This was only week one. More to come. Why we moved to Hawaii. Tomorrow.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Need a quick snip it for Monday? Here ya be. The Daily Dose of Reality with Ian. Check it.
Have you ever peed in the shower/bath/pool?
Can I plead the 5th? Does that give me away?!
What is your biggest pet peeve?
What's the story behind your blog title?
It's not that I think I'm uber fit. Aspiring but aside from that, most of the time I feel as though my family and I just don't "fit" in. We are different. Blog post TBA. ;)
What is your definition of success?
When hard work pays off and feels good!
If you were famous, what would you want to be famous for?
Well, cure for cancer has its competition. Best parent has been alluded to. Making bricks out of sand, pee and urea is also out. Dang. Following my dreams. What ever they may be.
Friday, May 14, 2010
This may look offensive. For that I'm sorry. OK, not really. I feel like the Grinch today! Shouting ove Who-ville, "I HATE YOU! LOATHE YOU ENTIRELY!" I may even look green too. I ate too many No-bake cookies last night. Feeling a little guilty.
This MeMe is brought to you by Boobies, Babies & A Blog and you can read more why this came to be @ her blog. As for me this is a wonderful opportunity to list my frustrations and tell them all to Fawk off.
I am a good christian lady but sometimes I just gotta drop the F Bomb! Also, had a weird week. Haven't blogged at all! Some one un-followed me. Boo. Oh well.
First, off for Mission Monkey, Please go read her story!
Fawk you Cancer. You will be defeated. I hate how you steal life and respect neither age or gender.
Fawk you to people who judge first and let fear control your lives and others. So Fawk fears too.
Fawk you Salvation Army for discriminating. I may get a lawyer.
Fawk labels for the limits they put on our family.